Treasures of Ricardo Fiction, "fixed"

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Galen
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Posts: 171
UO Shard: Great Lakes
Character Age: 0

Treasures of Ricardo Fiction, "fixed"

Post by Galen » Tue May 04, 2010 9:44 am

Dear RP Community:

Hopefully no one will mind my arrogance in deciding I could "fix" EA's Treasures of Ricardo fiction, with which many of us found fault. I was partially inspired by the "Court Courrier"'s brilliant satirical piece, also posted on these boards.

I had DaKaren's player proofread this for me, but I kind of couldn't remember his suggestions, so hopefully I found the errors by myself. Sorry, Dak!

*chuckles*

-Galen's player

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Private Crag was proud of himself.

“Hit the big time this time,” he thought silently to himself. “Made it. No more pickpocket nonsense for me; no more back alley dice games to make ends meet. I’ve finally got a legitimate job.”

Exactly where Crag was, he wasn't certain, other than the obvious. He was in a room, dimly lit by a faint, supernatural blue light cast from a glowing orb, a crystal ball, sitting on a stand in the center of the room. The room had several doors. Crag had begun this occasion in Minax's fortress in Felucca, but there was no obvious spot in the fortress this room could be in. Two people were in here with him, one man, one woman, and both very far above his station.

The man was a high-ranking officer in the Minax Faction, known to Crag as Lieutenant Toadstone. Crag knew Toadstone wasn't someone who'd seen a lot of fights himself, but even if Crag hadn't already known that, he'd be able to tell. The Lieutenant's uniform was too clean, his posture too military-perfect. Fighting anywhere for any decent amount of time, especially in the Faction Wars of Felucca, takes its toll on a man.

The woman would be intimidating seen in normal light, let alone bathed in an eerie, supernatural blue. Her revealing outfit somehow alarmed more than it allured. Magic emanated from her. From her neck hung the distinctive medallion that would have given away her identity even if Crag didn't already know that this was the Dark Mistress herself. Minax, long-rumored dead. Her weapon, the bladed staff known as the Doom Kiss, leaned against a nearby wall.

In some ways, the Dark Mistress was almost exactly as Crag had always imagined. She mixed a tempting grace and a barely-controlled cold rage. But, in some ways, the reality seemed off from Crag's imagination. Minax was wearing makeup, and overdone trampy makeup at that, like a Nujel'M prostitute. She showed slightly too much skin for most's tastes. But this was all quite fine with Crag.

“Yep,” Crag thought, repeating himself, to himself, “this is the big time.”

Lieutenant Toadstone broke the silence, “See my Mistress? It is as I told you. That which was
lost has been found.” The Lieutenant's smile somehow struck Crag as pathetic.

“Indeed.” Mianx's voice held an icy heat, as though she could as easily lure a man to bed, or his death, or both.

In the blue-glowing crystal ball, the three watched images Queen Dawn, Dexter, Avery and Sherry the Mouse as they discussed the discovery of Lord British’s vault a few weeks ago.

“Toadstone, you have done well….” Minax picked up the ball from its stand, gripped it tightly, and held it above her head, her arm aloft towards the despised heavens. “Soon I will have my lost crystal again. Lord British thought he'd protect his precious creation from me by guarding a shard of dear Mondain's gem...Thanks to his...sacrifice,” she spat out the word with an elegant violence, “he's gone. They all think I'm dead, on the basis of rumor and something some demon said. There's no one to stop me from ruling all of Trammel!” She laughed haughtily.

Minax's laugh somehow struck Crag as appropriate; this was exactly the kind of stuff he signed up for. But he knew better than to smile openly, or say anything uninvited.

Lieutenant Toadstone, however, was not as wise. “Now that we know where it is,” the Lieutenant spoke, “how will we get it, my queen?” The Lieutenant bowed after speaking.

Still staring at the crystal ball, Minax pointed a long finger at Toadstone. A blast of lightning shot out of it, faster than any mage Crag had ever seen. The blast knocked Toadstone against the wall with a shocking force. His skin was cooked from the blast, as were his insides. Every bone in his body and probably most of his organs were pulverized by the force of his slamming into the wall. “That is the wrong question, Toadstone!” The Dark Mistress's voice began the brief phrase in an alluring whisper, and ended it in a shrill, piercing shriek. All the while, Minax stared at the crystal ball in her hand. “Now, Lieutenant, try again.”

There was no answer save the thud of the Lieutenant's shattered, cooked body thudding to the ground, face down.

Minax elegantly replaced the crystal ball, then turned toward Toadstone sharply. He was lying face down on the floor in the shadow by one of the doors. Minax rolled her eyes. “Really, Toadstone, there is no reason to keep groveling. “The correct response was, simply, 'I will get it for you, my Mistress.'”

Toadstone didn’t move.

Crag watched Minax cross the room and as she strolled to the fallen Lieutenant, and bent over him, examining him. “Being ignored,” thought Crag to himself, “has its privileges.” The seriousness of the situation then struck Crag, and his attention snapped back to the moment.

Minax was examining the Lieutenant's corpse. She seemed oddly disgusted by the results of her own handiwork. The disgust quickly turned to annoyance, as the Dark Mistress stood up and looked around.

And, of course, there was Crag.

Minax stood over Toadstone’s body looking at Private Crag, eying him, smiling at him, the way.....

No analogy struck Crag as appropriate. Nothing captured the mix of fear and titillation the Dark Mistress's smile engendered.

“What is your name, guard,” she asked.

“Crag, Mistress.” Crag didn't bother to try to calculate his odds of survival.

“Lieutenant Toadstone just left for Magincia to spy on the Council of Mages; he won’t be back for several days...Do you understand, Crag?”

Crag didn't know, didn't care, why Minax thought she needed a cover story. For the self-proclaimed, if disputed, ruler of Felucca, murder was as common an act as was drinking water. Probably bad form, however, to murder one's own officers. And, perhaps, a quick if painful death wasn't Minax's preferred fate for asking the wrong question. To Crag, it didn't really matter at the moment. “Yes Mistress. Would you like me to dispose of the body, Mistress?”

Minax smiled. It was a toothy, predatory smile. “You are doing well in your new position as Lieutenant. But, no.” With a casual gesture, again casting faster than any mage Crag had ever seen or heard of, Minax opened a moongate. With another blast of lightning, she sent the late Lieutenant Toadstone flying through it.

Crag gulped, and resolved that he wouldn't repeat Toadstone's mistakes. “Would you like me to find out how to get your crystal back?”

“An excellent idea, Lieutenant Crag. How do you plan on doing that?” Minax was now standing right in front of Crag. Her strange perfume was muddling his mind, arousing his senses.

Crag’s years in the back streets of Britain made him good on his feet. Hopefully, they made him good enough to survive his new promotion. “I was, umm. I was planning to go, to go to, to the port of Cove. And. And, err, and buy some information.” Too much stalling. Crag thought he was dead, then and there.

Minax stared Crag in the eyes for a moment, as if she were searching for something. Then, she rose to her full height and straightened out her back. She was a tall woman; her breasts were at about Crag's chin. She winked at Crag, and turned away to leave. “Do you need money, Lieutenant?”

“I might survive,” Crag thought, silently, to himself. He was surprised, and relieved, and elated, all at once. But the meeting, his first with the Dark Mistress, wasn't over yet. Her spell casting hand was still glowing. “No mistress, I was planning to steal something for bribes.”

Minax stopped, turned back to Crag. That smile. A wave of the perfume hit him. “Good answer, Lieutenant. I knew I'd picked the right man for the job. Steal Sir Geoffrey's chest. We shall reward my followers the way they rewarded theirs.”

“Yes, ma'am. I mean, yes, my Mistress.” Crag watched breathlessly as Minax opened a door, and exited the strange chamber. He could breathe easily again. Well, could breathe easier. He spoke to himself again, but aloud. “Being Lieutenant is going to be a whole lot like being a kid in Buc’s Den. That’s fine; field work suits me better anyway. These stone floors are killing my back....”

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Lieutenant Dan thought it was odd no one seemed too concerned about Geoffrey's chest turning up missing. Then again, Geoffrey himself had disappeared, as folks of that ilk often did, so people probably thought he'd taken it with him. “Funny,” the Lieutenant thought to himself, “how the legends aren't too reliable. Good thing our Queen's just a normal lady.” The Lieutenant stopped himself. In his new position he couldn't afford to let anyone else see his fondness for Dawn. Even if she weren't the Queen, she'd be far out of station, and she was married to boot.

The legendary lock-picker, thief, and all-around criminal Ricardo had returned to his criminal ways not long after Dawn took over the Kingdom. Dawn, who'd taken him along on the raid on the Shadowlords' Dungeon underneath Fire Temple, was reputed to have taken Ricardo's return to his criminal ways a tad personally, but she had gotten over it quickly. Curiously, however, Ricardi's mind had begun to deteriorate rapidly after his re-imprisonment. Avery, who had recently retired from a brief career as a private guard after his long career in the Royal Guard, had spent time in one of Casca's secret prisons at Ricardo's side, and swore the thief had been half-crazy while in prison. No one else remembered Ricardo that way, but no one was really in a position to dispute Avery's claims.

After all, looking over Ricardo's history, Avery had probably spent more time with Ricardo than had anyone else currently living. It was possible Ricardo had always been half-crazy in private.

No matter....For Lieutenant Dan, the important part was that Ricardo's ramblings had people all around the realm, looking for Ricardo's hidden treasures. (The guards at the Yew Prison, Ricardo's current residence, had decided it was better to just let people in to see him in controlled ways than to try and deny people and risk incidents.) While treasures were not in abundance, it seemed that Ricardo had stumbled into something of importance. It was all very vague to Dan, Lieutenants shouldn't ask too many questions. While many people would turn in the information to the proper authorities without reward, it's best not to take the chance that people will turn to others looking for a reward.

And besides, people who do the right thing should be appreciated.

And, thus Dan's job for the next couple of weeks put him in the reward distribution business.

Dan had many customers.
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